Do these toxic people know they are toxic? When people are being hateful, do they still think they are a good person? Is anyone else thinking about Frollo?
This picture isn’t someone trying to drown their partner, although we will discuss the topic of why love drives people to such horrible ends. This is a person dragging someone who they don’t know out the river to save them… Strangers are capable of demonstrating ‘true love’, risking their lives to save others. Rather than the type of ‘love’ in relationships that makes you want to end someone.
There’s more to say about the toxic people in the green box, looking in more detail to explain their behaviour.
“If you only have love for your own mates, you only leave space to discriminate, & to discriminate only generates hate… Where is the love?”
Or something like that…
Basically we make friends with who we share our values with, if someone offends us with something we’re not likely to want to be as close to them & visa versa. When you get to know someone you are either drawn to them or not, & you judge them based on what you think they like / are like, & whether that is ‘ok to you’.
This is actually a constant flow within all relationships, be it you & the local shop keeper, you & a friend or you & your spouse. It explains how we can still say we love someone & say or do not very nice things. Most gossiping is badly placed efforts to work someone out. Sometimes people lose it & get nasty.
If you know a toxic person & want a strategy to make them less toxic, get in touch & we’ll get developing a special plan for them.
It’s not about making excuses for people, it’s about understanding how they don’t know of a better way to be & making room for not knowing someone… The key is in understanding where you yourself are at, in what is ‘ok to you’.
Thing is, it works both ways, so if you want to be friends you kind of learn ‘polite speak’ to keep you in the safe zone. Friends are a weakness if they don’t let you lead, but if you have friends that are willing to suspend their reactions to understand more, they can truly be a strength. Equally if you lead in the ‘safe zone’ you can become hugely popular because it indulges people in their own interests; this skill has also become a well documented dating technique… Sadly this way of living safe so you don’t offend people can cause huge internal damage & turn out not so safe for you. Letting people know what you think & have them not be offended is the beautiful opposite, it is very important to have some of these types of people in your life.
To be friends with people who have different values is much more in line with equality & diversity, plus when everyone thinks the same: evolution becomes stagnant. The strongest networks of people are those who navigate difference well. Viva la difference! We need to be able to feel of equal value to experience true love, so it should come from within, knowing you occupy a unique space in time & have things that connect you to people & the world, in ways that noone else can.
Diversity is appreciating all people no matter what their contribution is, people are of value as much as any other created, even if you don’t yet understand the value, it’s possible they are too far from you on the ‘values spectrum’, i.e. if you value being productive you are not worth more than someone who wants to sit around all day.
So in this model of the world, Trump is equal to a tramp. Without meaning to insult…
We’re just all equal, like the poem Desiderata says. Between us the whole world is connected. Someone once said there are 6 degrees of seperation. I guess Facebook is a test for this fact?
So what actually is this thing called love then? Is it not my capability to love that gets me pulling a stranger out of the river? Here’s where it gets crazy – because if someone loves you, then what? How exactly do they treat you? “I used to love her but I had to kill her” Guns & Roses style… Bit extreme, lets step it down a bit: Smacking your kid when you ‘love them & are only doing it for their own good’. Who wants a life filled with that kind of love? The umbrella love. The ‘at-the-end-of-the-day-I-love-you’ type love… Love is what happens while you are busy feeling other emotions? Screw that! What have we learned as love!? Could it be that this is a demonstration of how it is possible to get on better with strangers than friends? At least then there is the respect found in ‘making room for not knowing someone…’ So we can enjoy all our time, moment to moment, time can be filled with true love.
Now pulling someone out of a river is a desperate context for showing love. How about ‘Love at first sight’? That feeling of overwhelming goodness coming out of us for no conditional reasons. When 2 people meet & get on superbly it seems they are setting themselves up for a fall because it can only get worse as they realise their differences, surely? How can they possibly deal with the truth that is as they know each other more they will uncover things that aren’t a match in their values? It takes complete self worth to be able to work with someone’s differences or we lose ourselves to negative emotions.
When we get close to someone our feelings become effected by the conditions of the relationship. Conditional love is a good thing when people are aware of the conditions, they can choose to be with someone who they match (beware of bad habits being made OK through Codependency), or choose to rethink or negotiate what conditions they put on the relationship. The conditions for a relationship to work will change over time & we mustn’t get excited at the idea of changing someone in the way we want to change them.
Unconditional love is when someone wants for us to love them despite what they themselves offer & is then open to abuse. We might claim we feel it because we are brought up on ‘putting others first’ & it shows you are a good person. But usually this is a confused way of parenting coming through. Everyone wants it their own way. You cannot deny this because that would also make it true.
Unrequited love is when you don’t tick their boxes but they tick yours. Having our values matched feels good, although rejection can make you feel bad & depending on what strategies you have to be able to deal with that, it can even leave you being a bit crazy. The more we don’t have our values matched, the more offence we feel. Opposites attract in as much the same way as someone can not like someone because of their similarites. Also imagine this: a clean freak having loads in common with someone who isn’t as clean, 2 people that get on but there could be issues of attraction based on ‘what you do for me’ when the other person see’s ‘what you don’t do for me’. That mainly sums up unrequited love.
Commonly the cause of break ups is not knowing exactly & specifically what the other person needs to feel loved… It is so sad to see people have affairs because they aren’t able to communicate their needs to each other…
The thing is, values & emotions are very complex, so it is possible to end up feeling that you are loving someone who doesn’t love you. Or loving someone & not believe they love you when they do. Or loving someone & yet not getting what you want from them in turn makes you love-hate them… (Just like when a kid is naughty because they want attention from a parent, except in a nasty adult tantrum type way?) Having a way to rise above it is called for & you can’t tell an emotionally embroiled person to “rise above it” – they need to learn how & understand true love.
Ellen Hopkins Quote: We ignore those who adore us, adore those who ignore us, hurt those who love us, and love those who hurt us
This quote simply isn’t true if you understand how you are influenced & impacted on. Understanding emotions & being able to speak your truth can straighten all this out.
We are always doing the best with the resources we have at the time. Working out how your emotions run you & how you can work with them, makes sure you are operating at your best. Who wouldn’t be obsessed with upgrading that one?