When someone says “I love you” what are they really saying?

This post is about how to feel amazing love so it shines out of you like sunbeems & encourages world peace…

Last night my partner said to our daughter “I love you” & she replied in the most beautiful way “I love everyone” beeming a smile. It was amazing in my brain. I feel like we’re raising her right… Nobody’s a nobody & all that.

First things first: True love is not unconditional love, true love is love that you have inside you where you hold no shame & have a pure connection to all around you. A lot of relationships go wrong under the umbrella of ‘unconditional love’ because they live as if they are one person & forget to appreciate the differences & talk; we really must remember to talk & learn how to talk effectively so we are understood. If you can’t do this, get someone involved like ‘Relate’ or you can get it FREE in England, through the NHS, by clicking this link.

Possibly why all the religions were invented, was to teach this true love to people – but then it got confused under the umbrella of ‘unconditional love’, maybe because of the fact that we definitely love our children & to keep them alive we must put them before us, so that became an example of what love is? Then we were taught marriage was a good persons identity, but it taught us to put our partner before ourselves rather than to connect with the universe & keep yourself sacred as part of it…

So let us really examine what is happening if we use the ‘test of character’ of putting someone before us, because it would be silly not to knowing it is based on something hundreds of years old that has got us into a world where depression & anxiety are on the rise. Awareness  of how we impact on others & how we are influenced has become a global responsibility.

Consider this: What you love defines you. Not what loves you. If someone doesn’t love you – that emotion is within them, they are the one who is demonstrating they are incapable of showing pure love, not that you are not worth loving. We can feel sorry for them because it is only when you learn to love an imperfect person perfectly that you will know the feeling of true love. It comes from within, not from anyone else, we are born with it, sadly as we grow we are informed as to what it is more than we are educated…

This is why it gets confused with people talking of unconditional love – it seems to be unconditional to others, even though the feeling comes from in to out… Really what is happening is you are experiencing the light from within another person. It’s tempting to want to keep someone’s light for yourself; the test of love should never be to put the other person before you because that is when lights go out. Unless of course, what is mean by putting others before you is to let them be, despite what you want. Appreciate the conditions they require to grow & let it be…

So if you want to experience true love – learn what makes someone shine & let them do it to themselves, let them share their gift. You will either find that you are with someone you don’t want to be with or you will find true love. It is certainly NOT about pouring your heart & soul in to someone who doesn’t give back… It’s about learning what they need to make their light shine & letting them have it – this should bear no relation to your light. If your light dims then you must make it clear what you need for your light to shine. Because sharing your life with someone IS conditional… The condition is they don’t put your light out…

So true love is not ‘to put someone before you’. If you put someone before you how can you love more than one person truly? Put yourself first & you will always be able to give more in any situation. Put your own oxygen mask on first type stuff. World peace is most probably relying on it.

So no sacrifice. Keep yourself sacred. Do this for each other & you will either have true love OR a desire to find someone more similar to you… It’s a way of saving time – because you are basically running out of time since the day you are born.

One way how to do this for each other is to write a list of what you want & why you want it & then compare lists… If your list is massive, prioritise. If your list is small, keep asking “Is that enough?”

So then you have your lists – or even your values rather, staring at you on the page. This is how to use the lists: say maybe you want to go out & they want to stay in, so you compromise: Where, when, how, who with etc – ‘specific’ terms that illustrate it in sensory terms. What will you see, hear, feel when you go out…? See if you can both enjoy the answers that will be your life, at least it will be an amazing conversation to bring yourselves into a new awareness… Hopefully it will be joyous. People act amazing when they are fullfilled like that.

Marriage is a weird invention & nothing to do with true love really & a lot to do with ‘ownership’. Look at history & you can clearly see this. Somehow love has become a thing where couples vow “to forsake all others.” Most of us take this to mean they vow to forsake intimate relations with anyone who is not their spouse. Let’s hope it just means that because it’s a sorry confusing world that says we can only love one person… People get jealous & restrain each other & that is awful because if you promise to only love one person there is less love in the world. Why can’t you become really close friends with another person, even of the opposite sex after marriage? Incase you get on better with them & want to be with them instead…….Do we not live in a world where it is natural to want the best? So should true love let the other person be & take the risk? Doesn’t that sound more like love? Not taking a beautiful person & hiding them away from the rest of the world… It would probably take complete self worth to be able to feel that.

“If you love something set it free… If it comes back it’s yours… If not, it was never meant to be…”

Jealousy is bad when it’s bad. It is not enough to know intellectually that we are creating the emotion. With only this information the ‘inside voice’ is likely to abuse us with criticism for what we are doing. The ‘inside voice’ might use this information to take us on an emotional downward spiral to further insecurity. For real lasting change you will need develop skills to dissolve the beliefs and false self images and gain control of what your mind projects & feel complete self worth.

It’s really important for everyone to understand how humans can let their own light go out & it is really important to learn how to help people not do that…

Through understanding how your brain works & how you can harness your emotions it is possible to nurture a world where many humans will make sure people are able to let their light shine.

“Anyone can tell you to look to the light at the end of the tunnel – but it takes someone really special to look to the darkness & shine their light there”


What the other person needs to feel loved

In simplistic terms, you can just ask them… But make them be really really specific about it in sensory terms (what you want to see, hear & have done).

That makes it less simple because you must be specific & sometimes people think they are specific when they are not. Then to compensate you say unhelpful specifics like “it has to be blue” when it just has to be there, no matter what colour… It’s good to vet your list with the Rudyard Kiplings quote:

I KEEP six honest serving-men
(They taught me all I knew);
Their names are What and Why and When
And How and Where and Who.

So ask: with whom, where, how, when, why & what… Hopefully this will aid you towards your exact list, using these as questions that might uncover any bits you need to be more specific about.

Inspiration might come slowly so play with it to make it work for you. Example lists are at the end…

This is practically what dating websites are doing, some very well.

Before you give out any lists, look at your list & jiggle it around / prioritise it so you can work out the top 10 (if there is that many to choose from!) If there aren’t that many keep asking yourself “is there anything else?” & “is that going to be enough?” just in case you missed something. But prioritise 10 because more than 10 could be too daunting. If the person you love can’t give them to you, be prepared to end the relationship.

Appreciate the list will change too, people change over time. You cannot step into the same river twice because the water is always different.

A person’s list might look like this:

  • Sit with me for half an hour & chat when you get home from work
  • Hold my hand
  • Don’t walk infront of me
  • Make dinner with me
  • Let me be early for things, which includes you when you are with me
  • Give me space when I’m grumpy

Or like this:

  • Talk to me when I’m grumpy
  • Let me be late for things, which includes you when you are with me
  • Make dinner for me & I’ll do the washing up, roles please
  • Scratch my back 5 times a week for 10 minutes
  • Don’t talk to me for 5 minutes when I get in from a night out

Everybody’s different huh.