What the other person needs to feel loved

In simplistic terms, you can just ask them… But make them be really really specific about it in sensory terms (what you want to see, hear & have done).

That makes it less simple because you must be specific & sometimes people think they are specific when they are not. Then to compensate you say unhelpful specifics like “it has to be blue” when it just has to be there, no matter what colour… It’s good to vet your list with the Rudyard Kiplings quote:

I KEEP six honest serving-men
(They taught me all I knew);
Their names are What and Why and When
And How and Where and Who.

So ask: with whom, where, how, when, why & what… Hopefully this will aid you towards your exact list, using these as questions that might uncover any bits you need to be more specific about.

Inspiration might come slowly so play with it to make it work for you. Example lists are at the end…

This is practically what dating websites are doing, some very well.

Before you give out any lists, look at your list & jiggle it around / prioritise it so you can work out the top 10 (if there is that many to choose from!) If there aren’t that many keep asking yourself “is there anything else?” & “is that going to be enough?” just in case you missed something. But prioritise 10 because more than 10 could be too daunting. If the person you love can’t give them to you, be prepared to end the relationship.

Appreciate the list will change too, people change over time. You cannot step into the same river twice because the water is always different.

A person’s list might look like this:

  • Sit with me for half an hour & chat when you get home from work
  • Hold my hand
  • Don’t walk infront of me
  • Make dinner with me
  • Let me be early for things, which includes you when you are with me
  • Give me space when I’m grumpy

Or like this:

  • Talk to me when I’m grumpy
  • Let me be late for things, which includes you when you are with me
  • Make dinner for me & I’ll do the washing up, roles please
  • Scratch my back 5 times a week for 10 minutes
  • Don’t talk to me for 5 minutes when I get in from a night out

Everybody’s different huh.


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